For that “I just escaped from the hospital” look you were going for.

via

My wife is Mexican.

via

Got Chinese food for dinner, this was my fortune.

via

Employee of the month.

via

I’m at a townie bar in rural Wisconsin, they have a headrest at the urinals in the men’s room.

via

The guy who brought my pizza was drifting I guess.

via

My caramel sauce has a winter coat and an attitude problem.

via

My mom keeps getting HOA letters about leaves in her yard. This is her response.

via

This pair of dress shoes with split toes.

via

Not sure what it says, but I like the writing style.

via

High chair is high.

via

Special!

via

They pay me to paint not move gravel.

via