My dinner companion asked for “A salad, but just cheese and ranch”.

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Must be exhausting having that between your legs.

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The moment I fell out of the raft and no one noticed.

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Please confirm your identity with a…

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Random turkey decided to roost on my grill.

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Fedex kept delivering my packages to my neighbor’s compost pile, 1/3 mile from my house.

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My wife’s reminder of her colonoscopy appointment.

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I am an adult and I approve this message.

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Giving your kids stupid names.

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I work remote and I missed my company’s white elephant gift exchange, so they mailed me my present.

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I guess that pillow wasn’t machine washable.

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Not gonna brag or anything but I might have just come into a lil money…

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Mic drop

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My daughter wanted coffee but she’s 12 so we compromised.

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Local curry house has an interesting drinks policy.

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…On the kitchen floor.

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Vass

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Mildly vandalized.

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Flavor distribution in a bag of jolly ranchers is not okay!

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My dog and I have the same size foot.

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I don’t want to brag, but I finished my puzzle way faster than my husband!

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